Graphics: From the way your little spaceman jerks down tunnels just oozing with "depth perception," it's pretty obvious that the makers of this game were jacking off over what they thought was pushing the graphics capabilities of 1987 to the limit. Graphics are not this game's strong point. Not that you can find anything, because the basic laws of physics are bound up and abused like the worst of Japanese humiliation porn: if you leave the room that looks like charred lamprey flesh and head left to the room that looks like festering hippo crap, go back right and you'll be in a room that looks lik- Well, it looks almost exactly like all of the other rooms: Brown. There's radar at the top This screen is the entire game.of the screen, but I've got no idea what it's for because the enemies don't show up on it and neither do various " items" you can grab in the maze.
Incidentally, I failed both Biology class and Not Being Convicted of Felonies. Much like in biology lab, stuff often flies out at you from these tunnels, which, as in biology lab, you are supposed to shoot the everliving hell out of. Gameplay: So you're dicking around in a maze, which consists of long poorly-rendered tunnels that vaguely remind me of the innards of a fetal pig I dissected in my freshman biology lab. The objective is apparently to get out of the maze, which is nonsensical on the grounds that A) the maze doesn't fucking end and B) any authentic Spaceperson would have been advanced enough to use that gun and blast his brains out before you could even blow into your NES cartridge. I don't know why it's trying to kill you, because it gives every appearance of having been built by an extremely dull gopher whose World Domination Plans were restricted to OBTAIN DELICIOUS ROOTS. In Foton, you are some kind of gun-toting spaceman in a dark maze which is trying to kill you. In fact, Foton: The Utlimate Game on Planet Earth is not even the Ultimate Game Called Foton that Raptor Red is Playing Right Now, as I've just written the word "FOTON" on a napkin and am now trying to get it to move across my desk with the power of my disgust alone. Foton: The Ultimate Game on Planet Earth is not only one of these games, but has the most blatantly false name imaginable. Every once in a great while, a game comes along that is so horrible, I need roughly 5 minutes of gameplay to assess the entirety of its failings. If I stare at this long enough, it looks sort of like the fossilized imprint of an Iguanodon hide. Platform: Nintendo Entertainment System, 1987 This means that, ordinarily, you should be singing my praises as if your empty little lives depended on it. I do this for you, in order to make sure that I carefully examine all the possible layers of shitty in a given piece. But I work hard, sometimes spending 10 hours a week on games last played for enjoyment circa 1848. Well okay, I say "we" loosely, as the only communication I do with other current writers consists of my receiving cryptic "comedic" Instant Messages, which I humorously ignore. Thank you for all of your support throughout the years - CoolROM will continue strong.At a glance: I want you ungrateful little freeloaders to know something: We here at SomethingAwful.internet work very hard to bring you the finest in high-quality word comedy.
We feel we have reached this goal and helped cure more cases of nostalgia than we could have ever imagined. From the very beginning, our goal was to allow users to re-live classic moments from video games that they have lost and cannot purchase anymore. We are very grateful to have served the emulation community for so many years and to have CoolROM still exist today. This page has been removed due to a request from Nintendo of America Inc.
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